Roligheter!

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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav PowerMizer 28 apr 2012 01:25

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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav tompas11 04 maj 2012 18:52

If it doesn't work – Chrome it!
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav tompas11 05 maj 2012 23:53

If it doesn't work – Chrome it!
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav tompas11 09 maj 2012 18:42

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager..

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav Järnet 09 maj 2012 19:57

.
Bilagor
skitnödig.png
skitnödig.png (118.93 KB) Visad 3718 gånger
Det sägs att man lär av sina misstag, i så fall är jag ett geni!
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav deepforest 10 maj 2012 23:32

Jag vet inte om detta hör hemma under roligheter, men man kan nog bara skratta åt eländet! :roll: :roll: :roll:

Störande sms – kan ge fängelse
Här är en historia som bara kan utspela sig i USA.
Huffington Post rapporterar att en kvinna har blivit stämd för att ha skickat sms till en bilförare som krockade. Offren i trafikolyckan hävdar att hon är medskyldig till brott.

I USA verkar det lite som att advokater är som torpeder – med undantaget att det förra är lagligt. En advokats jobb är att bända lagboken så att den ger uppdragsgivaren största fördel oavsett konsekvenserna för andra. Därför är det inte förvånande när rättssaker i det stora landet i väst går lite överstyr.

Föraren i den här tragiska historien har redan erkänt sig skyldig till omdömeslös körning (vårdslöshet i trafiken?) och orsakande till trafikolyckan där två motorcyklister förlorade varsitt ben. Men de båda offren nöjer sig inte med det. Därför har deras advokat stämt kvinnan som föraren sms:ade med. Enligt stämningen skriver advokaten att kvinnan var medveten om att hon sms:ade med en person som körde – därför är hon lika skyldig som om hon suttit med i bilen och påverkat förarens koncentration.

Självklart håller varken kvinnan eller hennes advokat med om detta. De anser att hon omöjligt kan hållas ansvarig för när ett sms läses. Det hela låter smått idiotiskt – men utfallet kan komma att ha väldigt långtgående rättsliga konsekvenser. För om det blir så att kvinnan inkluderas, och döms som skyldig till ”medhjälp till omdömeslös körning” (!?) – kommer det helt plötsligt bli väldigt vanskligt att sms:a i USA. För man vet ju inte riktigt vad mottagaren håller på med...
"Jag har aldrig haft så mycket besvär med någon annan människa som jag haft med mig själv"
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav PowerMizer 11 maj 2012 08:44

Nja, tragikomiskt om rättspositivismen kanske...
Lite som att stämma Mc Donalds för att man är klantig och spiller kaffet i knäet, eller att stämma en husägare för att man som tjuv halkat på bron. :roll:
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav Järnet 19 maj 2012 04:19

SAS-planet mot Mallorca lyfte från Arlanda och väl uppe på marschhöjd tar kaptenen mikrofonen och berättar hur högt de är, planera färdväg och beräknad ankomsttid. Sedan önskar han passagerarna trevlig resa, lägger i från sej mikrofonen men glömmer att stänga av den!!

Passagerarna hör honom fråga andrestyrman Gustav, om han ställt in autopiloten på Palma.

- Ja, det är klart. Nu ska jag bara gå o skita, sen sätter jag på flygvärdinnan Sonja av bara h*lv*te. Hon är så härlig
och alltid redo för en snabbis i pentryt.

Passagerarna gör förstås stora ögon och en flygvärdinna som suttit längst bak under starten kommer springande i gången för att berätta att mikrofonen är på. I brådskan snubblar hon och blir liggandes raklång på golvet. En passagerare klappar henne lugnande på axeln.

- Du behöver inte ha så bråttom. Hörde du inte att han skulle skita först?
Det sägs att man lär av sina misstag, i så fall är jag ett geni!
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav tompas11 24 maj 2012 20:40

Nicolas Sarkozy, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am
ringin' to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

"Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Sarkozy sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

"Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last! spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav tompas11 24 maj 2012 20:41

A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav tompas11 25 maj 2012 17:02

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,
"I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at
60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be
silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at
his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed
would have been
Higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says
through clenched teeth,
"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on,
but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my
license out of my back pocket. '

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't
have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when
you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the
driver turns to his wife and barks,
'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "




"Only when he's been drinking."
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav tompas11 25 maj 2012 17:03

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but knew that the Boss would not allow me to take leave. Then thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy', well, he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of goodness are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '...and where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav tompas11 25 maj 2012 17:04

Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav PowerMizer 28 maj 2012 12:19

FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT ….PSALM 2009

Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Constitution.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line, I shall fear no hunger,
for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes

My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.
I am glad I am American, I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I were a dog …
And Obama was a tree.
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Re: Roligheter!

Inläggav tompas11 01 jun 2012 15:40

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ”Here’s
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, ”I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night.”

She said, ”Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, ”Here’s to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

”Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, ”John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, ”Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in
there twice in the last four years.
”Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come,
and the other time he fell asleep”.
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